[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
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Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
The internet is full of many things
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Dogs should be allowed to drive.