*jazz hands*
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you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”