*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
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handsome & gretel
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now