*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
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I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
the greatest twitter interaction
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*