[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
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Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
stop
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
just having fun
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will