[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
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My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.