[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
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Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
181.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
And bowling should be called pinball
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.