*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
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“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.