*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
You Might Also Like
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Chemical wingman
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Do one person every day that scares you.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️