*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
You Might Also Like
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.