[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
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I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.