[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
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I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.