Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
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Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
They must have gotten it to go.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.