Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
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[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
screw you
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
My what?
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
sliding into dms like
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.