picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
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Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Smile they said.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I miss this era type of pranks😭
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.