Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
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That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.