Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
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Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
They also CAN sing✌️
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.