Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
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I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”