Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
You Might Also Like
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Waiting for the Charmin
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here