Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
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Godzilla was the first house flipper.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!