Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
You Might Also Like
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.