@daemonic3: "Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight" - The Swiss Army

@NYC_Blonde: A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

@Jandalize: With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

@mstluvstrinkets: I remember, before kids, saying funny things like, "my kids won't be watching TV and they most certainly won't be eating chicken nuggets!"

@ShoutingGoddess: 'Failed to send tweet,' is Twitter's polite way of saying, 'Dude..'