@NYC_Blonde: The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

@AGreaterMonster: I'm going to swallow a jack-in-the-box so that when they do an autopsy—BOING, surprise!

@stevevsninjas: Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

@offbeatoliv: It's such bullshit that there's no zombie apocalypse. I totally want to hit my neighbor over the head with a shovel.

@AnOrangeSNES: If you read into something enough, it can be offensive. I like puppies