Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
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[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.