Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
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Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck