@LilianaXO: Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
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@ericsshadow: [flying remote control helicopter near my wife] GET THAT THING AWAY FROM MY- [helicopter gets tangled in her hair & now I'm a dead person]
@mofrorock: "Nice legs" *Swipes right* "Nice legs" *Swipes right* "Nice legs" *Swipes right* "Nice legs" *Swipes right* - Spider tinder
@Fred_Delicious: "sir, can i ask why you're smoking TWO huge blunts?" "officer, I'm..." *turns to camera* "double jointed" *cop starts breakdancing*
@JessiCanadian: I wish I could see the look of surprise and wonder on my son's face when he opens his lunchbox full of tampons today. Payback for talkback.