Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
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Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Festive toon…
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Traveler’s camo
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD