Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
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When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now