Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
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Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.