Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
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15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Perfect
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you