PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
You Might Also Like
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”