PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
You Might Also Like
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Your secret is safeish with me
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
sistine chapel
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.