Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
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Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay