Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
You Might Also Like
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
how much does a mortician urn in a year
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???