Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
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Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
fr
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.