Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
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not for long
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit