Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
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People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
2022 be like
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.