Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
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A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.