Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
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Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors