@timdonakowski: Pillow fights didn't last as long in the Stone Age.
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@ColoChiver: When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
@LeonEarlgrey: If I am farther than you in candy crush I will automatically think im smarter than you.
@ShutUpThatsWho: [first date] OK don't let her know you're a snail Waiter: Would you like some salt? [flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]