PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
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She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
The two types of wives
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”