Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
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Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.