PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
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[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
me 2 months after i graduated
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again