[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
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“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer