Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
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4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
are they though??
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.