@gorrdano: Pilot makes a sudden sharp turn, comes on speaker "Just kidding!! Attendants will be by with new underwear. Have a nice flight everybody."
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@InternetHippo: What should we call this giant advertising board? PHIL: A philboard BILL: I have a better idea
@jaslakhmna: My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed... I put his bed in the kitchen...
@lilgapeach32: Really not sure why people tell me to "be honest" then get all upset when I tell them their eyebrows need a divorce. *shrugs*
@amishschool: Political analyst said the way to defeat ISIS is to cripple them financially so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.