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Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
reduce, reuse, recycle
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.