PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
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The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
In banana years, I am bread.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”