Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
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There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
superman landing like a plane on his belly
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best