PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
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Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Lucky for them, they’re cute