PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
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Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
found my next D&D character name
podcasts
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.