Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
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Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it鈥檚 coming from my suitcase.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm鈥hat鈥檚 confidence.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I鈥檓 busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
[ikea date]
him: let鈥檚 go check out the beds 馃槈
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
WAP when I鈥檓 involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn鈥檛 actually FBI it still is in my head and I鈥檓 rethinking every conversation I鈥檝e ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.