piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
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I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Pretty much! 😂👀
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.