I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
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Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation